Nothing is more stressful than entertaining guests.

You want to show them the city, but avoid tourist traps like Navy Pier. You them to have a fun, but also get a feel for what it's like to live here.

Most of all, you want to appear a lot cooler and cultured than you actually are.

I took some out-of-towners around last Saturday, and I'm still beat. Here's what I did. I hope my route gives you some ideas for when it's your turn to play tour guide.

We started with breakfast at Edna's Restaurant, a West Side soul food joint. Fried egg over easy, fried pork chop in batter, grits and two buttery biscuits--the kind of breakfast that erases a month from your life. In the '60s, it's said Edna's was frequented by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.--a fact that will surely impress guests.

From there it was a short ride to Garfield Park Conservatory.

First of all, I like the price--free. Second, there is nothing more incongruous than walking from a cold, gray, ugly Chicago to the warm and humid lushness of these gorgeous gardens, whose glass and iron greenhouses look like Victorian-era train stations.

The Conservatory turns 100 next year. I hope, as a city, we can continue to build public structures that can wow Chicagoans a century from now.

After the gardens we went to Atomix for a pick-me-up of strong coffee, then downtown to Ohio House Motel where my friends were staying. This cheap downtown hotel has gobs of character and a great little diner--highly recommended for budget travelers.

From Ohio House we headed underground to cruise Lower Wacker Drive, always a treat, on our way to IIT's McCormick Tribune Campus Center, designed by architect Rem Koolhaus. One guest ooh-ed and ah-ed at the stainless steel L tube, but when inside the Campus Center, she asked: "Are these ceilings finished?"

Answer: Those ceilings are supposed to look unfinished. It's called bad conceptual art.

To be honest, showing off Chicago's fanciest Orange Julius was just an excuse to play pinball. IIT has Star Trek: The Next Generation, the best pinball game ever made.

Next we popped into Seminary Co-op Bookstore of Hyde Park, where bookish visitors can find the rare titles not stocked at chain stores. A stop here will have friends thinking you're a real brainiac. That's unless you don't get turned around in Hyde Park's bothersome one-way streets.

For lunch we went north to Ukrainian Village for Italian subs at Fiore's Domestic Import Deli. They've got all kinds of goodies, but you can't go wrong with a prosciutto and fresh mozzarella with hot giardiniera.

Take my advice: Order a ten-incher or longer. Fiore's sandwiches dissolve in the mouth, and you don't want to finish lunch feeling hungry for more.

We finished the day at Pizza Lounge, a dive bar in Humboldt Park. Pizza Lounge has everything you want in a bar: cheap beer, dim lights and a great jukebox. We had room to sit and talk, and we all left drunk with enough money for late-night tacos (al pastor con queso) at El Taco Veloz.

A perfect day? I wouldn't go that far. But my visitors seemed happy enough.

I'm happy, too--now that they're gone.

ST:TNG has the best tilt admonition ever: Captain Picard tells you indignantly that "You have no honor."

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